Monday, March 19, 2007

Wanna Fuck?

As many of you know, I'm all about rituals. I like everything in my life to be as close to the same as possible every day. I get up at the same time, have 2 cups of coffee, and read my favorite newspapers online. I don't talk during the first cup of coffee. I can listen during the second, but I prefer silence. After the second...I'm ready to interact with the world.

So...I like that. I like the orderliness and consistency of my little life. Occasionally, though, someone will IM me during my morning ritual. Usually it's someone who wants to talk about sex with a real-live-honest-to-God-lesbian. And I'm friendly, so I'll talk to anyone who's not a total pig. But I'm intentionally obtuse about their objective.

And most people won't come right out and say, "Wanna fuck?" They dance around it, ask if I've ever considered a younger woman, tell me they're attracted to older women, etc. I've pretty much perfected my "clueless" schtick.

AIM kid: I think older women are hot.

Me: Me too. My girlfriend is a little older that me, and she's a total babe.

AIM kid: Do you ever think about younger women?

Me: Not since I was younger. How about you? Do you date kids your own age? Are you seeing someone now? Is she nice?

AIM kid: I guess so.

Me: That's good. Does your mother like her?

AIM kid: Yeah.

Me: Why aren't you in school?

AIM kid: I'm waiting for my next class.

Me: What do you want to be when you grow up?

AIM kid: Do you ever fantasize about group sex?

Me: No. I'm old. I'm grateful I can manage one-on-one sex without having a heart attack.

AIM kid: I do. I fantasize about it.

Me: I fantasize about a vacation. What's your major?

AIM kid: Nursing. (or Education or English or...)

Me: Have you ever considered a lab job?

AIM kid: No. Can I have a picture?

Me: Sure. Want one of our cat?

AIM kid: I want one of you.

Me: The cat's cuter.

AIM kid: Well...gtg. Bye.

Me: Bye. :-)

And that's it. Presumably they move on to more amenable middle-aged lesbians who do wanna fuck with them online. And I get back to my coffee and my New York Times ritual.

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