More Southern Illinois Fun

As a relative newcomer to Southern Illinois, I’d like to take this opportunity to add my commentary on a few of the Things I Have Learned From Living in Southern Illinois.....

1. Possums sleep in the middle of the road with their feet in the air.

Raccoons sleep on the shoulder, grinning at you. Deer sleep sort of smeared between mile markers. The guy who drives his loud-ass motorcycle up Old 51 at 80 mph never sleeps.

2. Iced tea is appropriate for all meals and you start drinking it when you're two.

There are two varieties of tea. “Sweet”and “unsweet.” Sweet is better!

3. DJeet? is actually a phrase meaning "Did you eat?"

The correct response is, “No. Djew?”

4. You measure distance in minutes.

And I love that!

5. You've had to switch from "heat" to "A/C" in the same day.

Sometimes you have to run one in the living room and the other in the bedroom. Handily, you can do that since the heater sets on yer floor and the A/C hangs in yer winder.

6. "Fix" is a verb. Example: "I'm fixing to go to the store."

There are a variety of ways to pronounce that, none of them having an actual “ing” ending. So far I‘ve heard “finta” … "fidna" ... “fittna” … “fittin’ ta”… and “fixin’ta.” "Fixin' ta" is the fanciest.

7. All the festivals across the state are named after a fruit, vegetable, grain, insect or animal.

Except Makanda Fest. Which reminds me, Fest Season is almost upon us! Wooohoooo!

8. You install security lights on your house and garage and leave both unlocked.

That’s because they aren’t security lights. They’re the lights you use to see your way to the shed, or find the dawg when she’s outside. It’s DARK in Southern Illinois!

30. It's your God-given right to drive with a beer between your knees, and "Too drunk to walk" is a reasonable excuse for driving drunk.


Okay, I'd almost be willing to bet that Ev added that last one ... she's been telling me that for years. She also tells me it's a fine old tradition in Southern Illinois to park on the lawn “like the good Lord intended.”


Now, allow me to add a few other things I’ve personally learned from living in Southern Illinois:

1. The phrase “I don’t care to” means “I don’t mind” … NOT (as it means everywhere else) “I don’t want to.” So if your co-worker says “I don’t care to help you” or “I don’t care to pick up lunch for you,” she’s being friendly and cooperative … not a snotty bitch.

2. Don’t let that first heat wave in April fool you into planting anything. Just because it’s 80 degrees one week doesn’t mean it’s not going to snow the next week.

3. If you don’t have money for gas, the nice girl at the One Stop will let you fill up and pay for it later.

4. Everyone will think you’re crazy if you have indoor pets … especially cats.

5. There are three ways to get anywhere. If you think you’re lost, don’t panic … just keep going … you’ll eventually come out somewhere familiar, and it will often be within five miles of home.

6. Deer are not doe-eyed, innocent, Bambi-like creatures. They are suicidal maniacs hell-bent on taking you out with them. As the guy at the body shop explained when he was writing up the estimate to replace half of Ev’s SUV, “You know why they stand on the shoulder, don’t you? They’re car shopping.”


Kwach