Tuesday, November 20, 2007

From Lemons...Lemonade


Once again the NoYouDonBloOftAsYouSho has ended in failure. This time, though, I was the innocent victim of my own overzealous domesticity. I thought I'd spiff up the yard in anticipation of our Thanksgiving holiday guests, so I went out back to finish cutting up the trees that I cut down and then left laying sprawled on the ground like this week's scantily clad dead hooker on CSI Miami.

So me and my chainsaw (my chainsaw and I?) got started with our tree decimation project...and then the saw broke. So I threw it in the truck and took it to the repair guy, who agreed with me that it's a crappy design, since I've managed to break it twice already in just a couple of months.

I left the saw with him and came home , planning to at least get the weed whacking done around the jungle in back of the house. I've got a brush cutter blade that tears through stuff in no time flat...and I keep Cedar in mind when I'm using it.

So I was blissfully slicing through the weeds and Whoops!...I cleverly sliced through the phone line. And boy, was it easy! I didn't have to chop at it or anything. So...no phone, no Internet, no blog.

But I went to Carrie's, called Verizon, and got the automated yet warm voice of the service robot. She told me that a service tech would be here between "8 o'clock a.m. and 1:03 pm tomorrow."

I couldn't drag myself out of bed by 8, but at 9:30 I was parked in front of Regis and Kelly, watching out the window for the Verizon guy, and his life-sustaining Internet access. I waited...through The Price is Right (and may I add that Drew Carey sucks raw eggs as the new Bob Barker), through The Young and the Restless (Victor and Nikki should stop fighting and come together while Victoria is in her coma, don't you think?), and through The Bold and the Beautiful (Stephanie...let it go. Eric doesn't want you, he wants Donna now. Move on, Babe.).

At noon...still no Verizon guy. I watched the local news...the Franklin County animal shelter burned down and almost all the animals were killed in their cages (I cried over that), and then some municipal workers fished a kitten out of the sewer line (I cried over that, too).

12:30...no Verizon guy, but the gay guy in the wheelchair on As the World Turns and his handsome and devoted boyfriend warmed my heart. Gay and disabled! That's two, two...two minorities in one!

Finally, at 1 o'clock I got in the shower and left for work. No Internet, but I made up for the 20 year gap in my soap opera watching, so at least I felt good about that.

The Verizon man called me at work at 4. He said he's on his way. Cross your fingers, or tomorrow we'll all discover who shot Stephanie at the end of today's Bold and the Beautiful.


Kwach said...

The phone guy showed up.

He fixed the cut cable and then said to Katie, "Uh, your mom said she cut the line with a weed whacker?? What did she have on it, a saw blade???"

She didn't just cut through a little phone cord, folks, she sliced through a coaxial cable like a hot knife through butter.

When that woman whacks something, it knows it's been whacked!

They should have NaBloMe month during some holiday-free month when there isn't so much going on ... like August. It's too friggin' hot to chop up the phone line in August.

Anonymous said...

Hey Y'all,
Vicki gave me the link to your blog--very,very entertaining! Kwach, do you still have my email at SWEC? Dr. O

Kwach said...

Hey there! I do NOT have your e-mail address any more, which is why you never hear from me! I'm glad you found us!

Happy Thanksgiving, Merry Christmas and kiss the boys (the little ones) for me!

Eleanor Rigby said...

Great ... now I'll never know who shot Stephanie.

Jazz said...

Gay and disabled! That's two, two...two minorities in one!

Now had he been black they would've been batting for 1000.

And this: NoYouDonBloOftAsYouSho had me in stiches.

I've always found that NaNoblabla abbreviation hilariously un-writerly...

SP said...

I love my chain saw. But now I have weed whacker envy.

Suzanne Reisman said...

This is why I live in a city with no foliage that requires whacking or sawing. (Love the CSI Miami reference - ha ha.) On the other hand, I did once have a 10 lb. pet rabbit who disconnected our phone more than once by squeezing into a tiny space between the wall and computer desk and chewing through all the wires. Fortunately, that did not require a visit from Verizon because the downside of living in a city with no foliage blah blah blah is that Verizon does not come at all. You get one shot at a hook up (if you are lucky) and that's it.


I am not anti-weedwhacker and pro-goat.

Ev said...

Eleanor: Don't worry...if I cut through the phone line again in six months, they'll STILL be puzzling out the mystery of who shot Stephanie. The great thing about the soaps is that one soap opera day can take two years, so if you fall into a coma for a few months, you can pick right back up where you left off.

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