Disney: Children Under 18 Not Allowed

The other day I went out to the shed to look for a book I promised to loan to my friend Wanda. We have many, many boxes of books in the shed...probably 50 or 60 after having brought in all that the house could hold. So I was rooting around in all those boxes, and I came across a couple of boxes of movies that I thought the kids might get a kick out of. They were full of all the Disney movies and shorts that they used to watch when they were kids.

This morning, while Lori and I were lazing around in bed watching Charles Osgood and contemplating The Deed ( and who ever thought of Charles Osgood and The Deed juxtaposed that way??), We had a parenting moment. Carrie, my adult daughter with a home of her own, practically a fully-functioning adult, came into our house, then into our bedroom, then stood at the foot of our bed, begging us to get out of bed and entertain her.

So I did what moms have been doing since time immemorial: I popped in a Disney movie to distract her so maybe she wouldn't notice if we snuck back to bed for a little sex. Unfortunately, as a full grown adult, she wasn't falling for that anymore. Instead, Carrie, Lori and I sat in the living room in our jammies and watched The Reluctant Dragon and Morris the Midget Moose.

Oh. My. Freakin'. God.

If there is a gayer half hour in the whole Disney World?...well, forget it. There isn't. The Dragon and Sir Giles the Dragon Slayer compete in the Disney Gay-Off...having tea parties, singing to each other, and taking turns reciting poetry... until the townspeople demand some action. And not the queer guy-on-guy action, either. They want some butch MAN action. With pants. The Dragon and Sir Giles then stage the gayest mock battle ever, complete with pirouettes, a tea party, and the phallic use of a lance, until Sir Giles pretends to thrust the lance into the Dragon and the Dragon falls to the ground with his erect penis..err, tail...pointing heavenward. All the while, the Dragon and Sir Giles' real competition is for the queerest poem, with lines like, "Poor little upside down cake, his top is on his bottom."

Personally, I'm pretty sure Sir Giles was the top, but if he ever does end up on the bottom, that dragon will crush the resistance right out of him. But since there wasn't enough testosterone between the two of them to coat a china teacup, I think the only real danger in their relationship was poking out an eye with the Dragon's mascara wand.

Next, Morris the Midget Moose, with his a tiny little stunted moose body, and enormous rack.

...Of antlers, gutter brain.

After enduring a lifetime of mockery from all the straight meese, Morris joins forces with Balsam, a huge, beefy, puffed up, steroid-enhanced moose with tiny little steroid-diminished antlers...but plenty of rage. Together, Morris and Balsam (with Morris riding Balsam in the most homoerotic 30 seconds of children's filmdom ever) strike a blow for gay pride.

Unfortunately, it's all fun and games until one of them goes to donate blood. "Have you had sex with a moose that's had sex with a moose since 1977?"

I can't believe parents let their children watch this stuff in the '50s and '60s. No wonder we're all queer now.