Squirt That Again and I'll Kill Ya

It's now six hours since I left our satellite office in Farmington, MO. I rode home with the top down on my car, drank a soda, smoked several cigarettes, and I still can't get the smell of their god-forsaken industrial-strength automatic air freshener out of my sinuses. My head hurts, my stomach's queasy, and everything smells and tastes like candied apples and cinnamon sugar with a side of razzleberry french vanilla thrown in for good measure.

How much do people stink in that place that it's necessary to cover it up every 30 seconds with an automatic aerosol spray that smells like an explosion in a Renuzit factory? In fact, how much does anyone stink anywhere that could necessitate that shit?? And why, why, WHY is everyone so enamored of sweet, fruity, cloying smells named after food? I can promise you, no sugar cookie MY grandmother ever baked smelled like that, or she'd never have been encouraged to bake another one.

I can certainly understand keeping a can of air freshener in the bathroom, in case someone goes in there and their colon turns inside out, but there are actual products for that ... they're called fecal odor neutralizers, and they used to be the only products you could spray around in medical facilities. Why? Because one of the first things they teach you when you're learning to work in the medical field is that sick people tend to get sicker when confronted with scents ... especially nauseating ones. Well, here's a news flash ... even people who weren't sick when they got there are going to be sick by the time they spend 8 hours marinating their sinuses in mangoes, passion fruit, gardenias and gingerbread.

I'm not a total aroma Nazi. I have scented things in my house, and I enjoy them. I use scented bath products. I use perfume and lotion, but not when I'm at work. Likewise, you should do whatever brings you olfactory pleasure ... at home. Burn incense, light candles, stick plug-in oils into every outlet in your house, if that's what you and the people who share your space enjoy. Marinate in Peach Passion lotion and Estee Lauder Youth Dew. Put a half dozen dryer sheets in every load. It's your house and your nose.

But please ... realize that your taste isn't every one's and fight the urge to freshen, deodorize and perfume the rest of the freakin' world. There are people out there who are allergic, people out there who have scent sensitivities, and people out there who just think you have bad taste.

And for the love of God, if your workplace stinks so badly that you have to burn gingerbread candles in jars, set that Raspberry AirWick cone to the full open position, hang an automatic Tropical Delight deodorizer on your office wall or buy French Vanilla air freshener by the case, CLEAN IT ... and open a window or something.

Kwach