Friday, May 18, 2007

God's Divine Punishment For Speeding

Yesterday was a day off for both Lori and I, but instead of frittering it away by lounging around the house and enjoying deviant and wanton sexual congress while the child was at school, we decided to drive down to Cairo and pay Lori's overdue speeding ticket before the only sex we'd ever see again was during the conjugal visits at Traffic Offender Prison For Women.

We got there bright and early, got directions from the nice lady in the County Records Dept to the Circuit Court office, and soon we were standing in front of the plexiglas panel that separates the Alexander county patronage workers from the unwashed masses.

Since the ticket was a week overdue and we didn't want to pay massive extra fines, Lori started schmoozing the woman behind the counter for all she was worth. It didn't take. In a big way. She scowled at us over her half-glasses, and we gave each other the uh-oh look. You know the one; the "We are so fucked" look. Until Ms. Half Glasses glanced over at me, and noticed the Medic Alert pendant hanging around my neck. She asked me about it and I told her what it was, and mentioned for some reason that we both work in health care and then...she was off!

You'll be happy to know that she had a carotid artery aneurysm a few years back, and that even Emory University hospital couldn't figure it out. Ditto the poor vision and the bad back. Ditto, in fact, the next ten exotic medical conditions she rattled off. We now know...oh, pretty much her entire medical history for the last 20 years, and the geographic permutations necessary to treat them all.

At some point, Lori looked over at me and muttered, "hipaa, schmipaa". Finally, Ms. Half Glasses finished with the paperwork, but continued to recite the story of her hospitalizations, which of her relatives visited and which blew her off, and oh...Lori would have to pay $75, which was the amount of the original fine. Our new best friend Ms Half Glasses didn't add any additional fines or penalties to the bill.

Lori signed and paid, and we started edging gratefully towards the door while our friend continued to point to her various parts and describe the affliction that each of them had endured. When I got to the door, I reached behind me, turned the knob and held the door open while Lori backed out of it. I backed out slowly behind her, nodding my head and wishing Ms. Half Glasses good health in the future.

We had just totally earned the amount of money she didn't charge us in penalties and fees. Never, ever tell a hypochondriac you work in health care.


Kwach said...

But, but, but ...

I thought she was sort of gorgeous, so I wasn't minding the recitation nearly as much as Ev. She was a very pretty, very tall, very slender, very well dressed, very perfectly coiffed black woman with a great voice full of southern inflection and laughter ... with a killer set of gorgeous teeth (which are sort of a major turn-on for me anyway).

Hell, she could have told me about her bunions if she wanted to.

Waiving the penalty fees was nice, too.

: )


Ev said...

Oh, I get was a date for you!

Here I am, worrying about how you're going to look in an orange jumpsuit picking up trash on the side of the highway, and you're slipping our phone number to the civil servents.

Finally...I see through your little schemes.