The Southern Illinois Chainsaw Massacre

Our neighbor John, from whom we rent our house, is supposed to be moving. And we're supposed to be moving into his house and leaving our little house for C&T. The problem is that all those "supposed tos" are not coming to fruition in a timely manner. I think they're paralyzed by the amount of all their stuff. We're afraid we may have to show up on their porch with our mattresses in order to convince them of the urgency of our situation.

Saturday Carrie saw John out wandering around in the yard, shirtless and carrying a chainsaw, and we've decided that the strain was too much for him and instead of spending the day packing like he should have, he killed Jody, hacked up her body with the chain saw, and is looking for a good place to hide the chunks.

He wandered into our shed, probably in search of a sturdy water-tight container...maybe the Rubbermaid tubs we keep our Christmas decorations in. No doubt at that point he realized that there wouldn't be enough room to hide a dead cat in our shed, let alone a dead wife.

We've discussed the possible outcomes of this senseless domestic tragedy and decided that there's no use leaving his perfectly good house empty when he goes to live on death row, so we'll move into it and keep an eye on things in case his conviction is overturned someday on DNA evidence supplied by the Innocence Project.

It's the least we can do for a friend.