Sunday, October 21, 2007

Why We Are Us

Carrie and I are going to get our eyes check Monday for new glasses. I'm already dreading it.

First of all, I hate any medical interventions having anything to do with my eyes. Ironically, although I'm in an intimate relationship with an Eyeball Professional, I'm completely phobic about the eye doctor; even that little puff of air on the glaucoma test stresses me out.

Secondly, I hate the fact that my vision is crap, and it's getting crappier all the time. My favorite form of recreation is reading, and my livelihood depends on my ability to look into a microscope and actually see something. I totally resent the fact that large print books and 100x diffs on the microscope are soon to going to be a part of my life. However, I'm not too thrilled with the thing I do now...I hold my book at an angle so that me head is tipped back and I am looking through the very bottom of my bifocal lenses. Ever since Carrie told me how much food servers hate looking up the nostrils of old people in bifocals, I've been extra aware of the bad etiquette involved.

So glasses. The last time I got new glasses, the prescription was so much stronger than my old pair that I misjudged the distance when I got into my truck and smacked my forehead on the door frame. I walked around with a massive bruise on my forehead for a week, and had to tell a variety of lies to avoid looking like the moron everyone already knows me to be. But most people try to be polite under those circumstances. You know how it is...lie and the world lies with you.

In general, I like being middle aged. But I wouldn't mind having my 25 year old eyeballs and my 44 year old wisdom. Oh...and maybe the feet I had when I was 6 or 7. Those were some cute tootsies. People used to comment on them, so I know it's true. Now I have feet like Fred Flintstone.

But I know if I had that healthy body and those good eyeballs from my ill-spent youth, I'd abuse them in the same ways I already have that's made them old and decrepit anyway. Except that I'd avoid hitting my head on that softball this time, and maybe I could be a little less blind and crazy. Maybe.

So Monday I'm going to sit in the chair while Lori says "Is 1 better than 2?" And I'll say, "I don't know...they both suck." And I'll feel bad, and she'll feel bad. Then we'll go to her chiropractor appointment and she'll feel bad, and I can feel bad for her. There's some nice poetic justice there, don't you think?

And in the end, I'll see better and she'll feel better, and we'll laugh at how we drag our feet doing the things that actually make our lives better. And then we'll do it again next time.

In sameness, there
is strength.


Kwach said...

It's too bad you can't trade organs. I'd gladly give Ev my eyes, which are just a little bit nearsighted. She could see the computer screen without glasses and read with drugstore readers. But in exchange I want her spine ... from Atlas to Coccyx. We both have blue eyes and we're almost the same height, so the trade wouldn't leave either of us looking weird or anything.

Ev said...

...Or at least not any weirder than we already look.


Youth really is wasted on the young. Our bodies should get better as we get older and wiser. It would be so much easier having kids with no energy and teenagers who liked to dress in sweats and were more interested in sleeping and getting enough fibre than carousing. Then when we're old and wise, we'd have the hot, ready-for-action bodies to go with our clever brains. Can someone look into making that happen maybe? Should we form a committee?

Tim said...

All I can say is "prgressive tri-focals." No movoing of head to get to the right spot on the lense - your eyeball does it automatically.

They're awesome. Just don't get them in those supposedly stylish little-tiny-rectangular frames. (That, in my not-so-humble-opinion look really stupid on 99.998% of the world.) Get a bit larger lense. You'll be happier.

Kwach said...

Ev's been wearing progressive lenses since her head injury, but when you read for several hours at a time it gets fatiquing to look down through the small reading segment, especially when you're as far-sighted as she is. Her reading glasses are stronger than anything you can buy in those drugstore readers, and she has to hold things fairly close to keep the print in focus. Progressive lenses work for her for everything else, but not for sitting and reading a book.

And about those smaller frames ... Carrie just got her to buy two pair of them. She's going to LOVE them, right Tim??