Tuesday, December 16, 2008

Ice Storm '08.3

The weather forecast is for a massive ice storm today. Our local news program, which scrambles around to find any actual news to report ("Three car wreck on Rt. 3! Glass broken! Film at 10.), has long ago settled on being the Weather Catastrophe Channel. Their favorite kind of news is forecasting upcoming weather catastrophes, but in a pinch, they'll relive weather catastrophes from the past. Lori and I love the segments where they interview people who lived through news-making weather in bygone years.

"What was it like, the ice storm of '08?"
"Well...it was cold. Real cold. Mama din't come out da house for near a week."
"Does your mother plan to leave the house in the face of this storm?"
"Naw. We got a freezer fulla squirrels. We can hunker down for nigh on a month."

So now the Weather Catastrophe Channel is forecasting our first ice storm of the season. Lori had to go to East Bumfuck, IL to see patients who won't actually show up, since there's an ice storm and they're elderly folks who can't see. They didn't make it this long by being stupid. Anyone with two brain cells to rub together knows that if there's an inch of ice on the roads...stay home.

Except for Lori's boss. He's going to get to East Bumfuck from Evansville, Indiana in his 4 wheel drive Tundrapalooza SUV with the roll bars, fog lights, studded tires, GPS, and the cow catcher on the front. And he wants Lori and Pamela to meet him there.

I feel like Christopher Columbus' gay lover (Hello? Didn't you notice the tights?), waiting for Chris to discover something (maybe East Bumfuck?) and get the hell back home for a cup of hot cocoa and a change of tights.

If Lori and Pamela end up in a ditch because Dr. Testosterone wants to test the limits of his lunar lander SUV in inclement weather, be forewarned. Somebody's Hoosier ass will be kicked. Don't make me plant a Yak Trak up your ass, Big Guy. I'm a mother...I'm scary when I'm mad. Just ask the kids.

In the immortal words of my son, "I tried anger management, but I had to stop going because it made me angry."


maynechik said...

Hoosiers do love them some nature conquering. Maybe once he's proven himself, he'll let them all go home. Here's to Lori's safe return and hunkering down with hot cocoa--I hope you have something other than squirrel meat though :)

Ev said...

See how much nicer it can be when you don't lurk? Welcome to Nowhere!

Pat said...

I just wanted to leave a comment so that I wouldn't be justalurker.
Which reminds me, maybe i should look you up on facebook. Oh, but wait, I don't know that names. Guess I will have to email you.
Happy ice storming. Let us know when Lori makes it in safely please.

marl said...

keeeerist - even the state of nh closes down shop when the weather sucks. here in the wilds of the northeast, we're still recovering from the ice storm of the century.

hoping your honey gets home safe & sound.

Kwach said...

Honey is back to the office safe and sound ... now there's just the 45 minute drive home.

The only near-catastrophe was when I stepped out the back door of the clinic at quittin' time and onto the blacktopped parking lot. Apparentl there had been some freezing rain and sleet while we weren't looking. Who knew I could ice skate in sneakers!?

Jazz said...

Morons in their SUVs just deserve to roll of the damn road.

It makes me all tingly with happiness when I'm stuck to drive my little Matrix and and some idjit from Bumfuck, Quebec (we have that town too!) in his huge mother of an SUV has had gone of the road. Total roadgasm there.

Doesn't happen often enough.