Thursday, August 30, 2007

This Old Carcass

Some people commit to relationships by declaring solemn vows in front of a preacher. Others declare legal vows in front of a Justice of the Peace. Since those avenues are still closed to us, we've had to be somewhat creative in our vows. In our case we solemnly pledged, in the presence of our duly appointed Rural Health Care Practioner and in the sight of her medical assistant , to do all the preventive healthcare and ongoing maintenance required to enable us to live long and process, until death do us begrudgingly part.

We're both historically bad about neglecting little things like preventive healthcare -- preferring to put out medical forest fires as they crop up -- and since I'm older and I've had longer to ignore things, I got to go first.

Today I had my blood pressure checked (118/70 ... woo!), donned the ceremonial hospital gown and paper sheet, and submitted to a Pap Smear. I was also scheduled for my annual Mammogram, but the tiny local hospital doesn't have their new Breast Pulverizer installed yet, so I skated on that one. Next month I get to see the Urologist to find out if my previously bottomless bladder is actually going to fall out on the floor or it's just shrunk to the size of a peanut.

Now that my blood pressure is under excellent control and my heart is going to last forever, we've moved on to discussing whether night sweats require hormone replacement therapy or just a daily dose of calcium (which will also benefit my aching back). Molly then proceeded further down her list of "stuff you should be getting done at your age" and scheduled me for a bone density scan and the last of the middle-aged screening tests I've avoided like the plague for the past three years -- the Colonoscopy.

And here I was worried that I wouldn't meet the $3000 deductible on our crappy new employee HSA (fuck you, Dubya). This is a whole lot of poking and prodding into uncharted places, don't you think? But I promised to get a thorough check-up, and this seems about as thorough as it gets.

Just you wait, Ev. One of these days you're going to turn 50.


Ev said...

First of all, I don't plan to turn 50. But on the off chance that I actually DO turn 50, you'll be pushing 60 and the pressure will be off me.

From here, this looks like a "no lose" proposition. You have to suffer all the traumas, and I can slip in under the radar.

Smart, huh?

Abby Taylor said...

I understand you can buy at-home colonoscopy kits on ebay. Something about Astroglide and an LED flashlight. I'll have to investigate further.

Good luck on your foray into high deductible health care.

Anonymous said...

I feel ya on the deductable. I had to structure mine that high to afford my monthly PPO which is still over $300.00 No one to blame but, me and, it's still best for my life choice to command my own time. I'm tuning myself up as well, even though I am a hard fit 50 :) but, I've yet to submit to face down --- --. I heard calcium is good for the colon too. And, be sure to invite me to Ev's black (50 ) party. It needs to be brutal. lol :Diane

Suzanne said...

You know what is sad? I'm 31, and I've had: about ten mammograms (mom had bc at age 32, and my yearly-ish mammo always leads to follow ups for suspicious spots), two bone densitometries, two endoscopies, and one colonoscopy. And a partridge in a pear tree.

I win. Or something.

Kwach said...

You DO win ... or something. I've seen you. You're small. That's too much poking and prodding and squashing of things for a small person!

Suzanne said...

Yeah, it's good times.