Lori and I were headed to town this morning to do some shopping. Since we used the phrase "to town" about 10 times, I started thinking about the song Don't Take Your Guns To Town. I sang it in what was I'm sure an incredibly irritating way for about five minutes, then said idly to Lori, "Why didn't Bill's mom just forbid him to take the guns to town? Like, "Bill, give me the goddamn guns. When you get home from town I'll give them back."
Lori said that's not how modern mother's handle things. Oh...when we want to make fun of new-age permissive mothers, we refer to their child as "Hunter", because that was the name of the most obnoxious child we ever had the misfortune of seeing throw a fit in public. We know his name because his mother was using it repeatedly while trying to negotiate with the little bastard.
"Hunter, if you stop screaming I'll take you for ice cream. Hunter...come on now. People are staring. Hunter, I know you're upset, but we talk about our feelings, we don't raise our voices."
My parenting strategy with Hunter would have been something like dragging Hunter into a quiet spot and looking him in the eye with my Mean Mommy face. Then I would say, "Hunter, if you don't knock that shit off right now, I'll take you out to the car and spank you 'til you're dead. If you survive, you won't be going to the store again until you're 18 and you're leaving for college. Knock it off."
And Hunter would believe me, because I had exactly that moment one time each with all three of my kids, and they knew I'm crazy and I don't make idle threats. So here's Bill's mother, pleading with Bill not to take his guns to town, using the Hunter Method of conflict resolution: negotiating with her child when he's being a moron.
"Bill, please...please don't take your guns to town. Please. Leave your guns at home, Bill."
And Bill, playing the role of Hunter, does it anyway. Now we know what happens next: Bill takes the guns to town, gets into a bar fight and gets killed. Using the Hunter Method of parenting, Bill's mom rationalizes Bill's incredibly stupid decision to take the guns to town by crying, "Bill was a good boy! He never meant to hurt anyone!", and then suing Smith & Wesson.
This why the human race is headed for extinction. It's not global warming that will eventually kill us, it's the Hunter Method of bad parenting.
"Hunter, honey... do you think it's a very good idea to take your guns to town? If you don't take your guns to town, we'll go for ice cream later. Hunter, in this family we don't take guns to town, we talk about our problems."