God Loves Me Best

Well! Fortunes do change on a dime!

Today was my day off. In my day-off fantasy, I would be sitting in the shade reading great works of literature and maybe sipping a fruity cocktail drink. I would sleep until noon and awake refreshed, sip my coffee on the veranda with my hot lesbian lover while being pithy and winsome.

However...this is my real life, so I hauled my ass out of bed at 9 and mowed my yard all morning. But that was almost like a fruity cocktail drink, if you sort of squint. The sun was shining, the grass smelled nice and it felt like something was actually being accomplished, even if you know you'll have to do it again in two weeks.

Sooo...the grass got mowed, then I took the cat back to the vet and got the big thumbs up on the eye removal surgery. And that'll be better, oddly. Who'd ever think to put the words "eye removal surgery" and "better" together? But she's so pathetic with her button head and her big plastic collar, anything's got to be better than that.

So here I am, thinking that my only day off was a big ole wasted day in terms of hedonistic pleasures...no veranda, no lesbian fantasy, no fruity drinks...and then my neighbor John asked me if I'd be interested in buying his tractor! For $150!

Instantly, the skies opened up and a chorus of Hosannahs erupted! A tractor? $150??? I'm so there!!

Suddenly my life has meaning. I have something to live for. I finally understand God's mysterious plan for my life! I have a tractor to rehab.

Screw the fruity drinks and the verandah...I have a tractor.

Even Saints Get the Day Off Occasionally

Yay! It's my day off! Again!

However, I did get up at the the ungodly hour of 7 am, so I have the rosy glow of moral rectitude with supplemental eye bags. Unfortunately, I have time-sensitive projects to attend to, mostly taking Lori's car in for it's pre-window replacement consultation with the convertible-top replacement specialist. I'm absolutely certain, by the way, that they make this convertible-top recovery project as intricate and solemn as possible, so you'll feel that the obscene costs associated with it are justified.

But we'll pay it. Like convenience store owners being shaken down by mob thugs for protection money, we can recognize the immorality of it, and pragmatically fork over the cash. After all, we need the car so we can continue to go to work to earn more money to pay for more things that will allow us to continue to go to work to earn more money...

So that's the "gotta" part of my day. And since I'm all about the carrot and stick, there is, of course, a reward in store. My reward for being a good car-repairing girlfriend is that I'm going to come home and find my box of unread books in the shed. I keep looking at our woefully uncrowded bookshelves, hoping that during the night the Book Fairies have replaced all the "done"books with new, virgin books. However, one of the sad realizations of life is that virginity can never be restored, either to books or to people. Not that Whoredom doesn't have it's own unique advantages...

Which reminds me...Lori and I figured out one of the great biblical mysteries. Remember the bible story about Jesus feeding all the hungry people with a loaf and a fish? In a flash of revelation, I realized the other day that that story is actually an exhortation from Jesus to loaf and fish!

That's right! Jesus wants us to take more days off and spend them fishing! There's no longer any need to feel guilty...we're in accordance with God's will. This will probably buy us back some points for the whole lesbian thing.

Anyway, that's enough bible study for one day. The important message here is...our Book Fairies suck, and I'm going to have to take matters into my own hands. I've got Son of a Witch in a box of hastily packed books, and I'm going to ferret it out (but with less ferrets...the cats are plenty, thank you). And then, Good Lord willing and the creeks don't rise, I plan to piddle away the afternoon reading in the backyard and grilling some dead animal product for my hardworking non-day-off sweetie.